we went for a walk the other day. i happen to live on the same street now that Devon did when she passed away. we pass her old house often on our walks and i try to remember the happy times there...not the chemo times. the parties she loved to throw...the girls nights...the just stopping by and saying hi and her always being so excited...the trashy TV nights....girl loved her some trash TV :) i tell my boys - "thats where Devon lived - do you remember her Bryson?" he always says yes :)
i still miss her incredibly. it hurts that i will never see my friend again. i have been crying...a lot.
i think i have been thinking of her so much lately because 3 years ago around this time she was forced by a co-worker to go to the ER because she had been having head-aches and had become dizzy. what she thought was maybe just stress turned out to be a "weird mass" and then a possible cyst and them a benign tumor and then a JPA tumor and then the most aggressive brain cancer there is...it, of course was always the cancer - it just took her Kaiser doctors a few wrong guesses and several botched biopsies to know it...around this time she had her first brain surgery. she was so scared. so scared. i had never seen devon scared of anything and when i stopped by the hospital before she went into surgery to drop off a Bible (at her request) i could see the fear in her eyes and they started to water and i sat on her bed and held her hand and she just looked at me and cried. an you know what i told her? i'll never forget. "you're gunna be okay devon...you're gunna be fine. everything is going to be fine." i tried to be positive the entire time...i couldnt let myself believe that devon wouldnt be okay. i couldnt accept it until she told me it was glioma.
what else prompts this post is that i recently heard an interview on NPR about the internet and what happens when someone dies and their on-line content. it was an interesting discussion. They were talking about when to take it down - do you take it down? i can't seem to erase her phone number from my phone - her address from my contacts - her blog from my reader - her email from my group lists (it always bounces back, but sometimes i like to think she reads all her email in heaven) i visit her blog often - she didnt start keeping it until after she was diagnosed with cancer, but it brings me comfort and it makes me laugh and it feels like she is still around in a small way.
a friend was also saying that a lot of people turn facebook profiles of people who have passed into memorial sites. i am kind of a fan of this on-line memorializing. i think it makes the grieving process so much more communal and ongoing...because it is...here i am a year and a half after she passed away still crying and yearning for her.
any thoughts on this either way?