Wednesday, September 23, 2009

what is fair?

if you have ever worked with kids or have kids of your own you know that they are obsessed with fairness. i noticed this especially as a site advisor working with K-6 at a science camp (thanks again for that mom!) but i guess now i am plagued with this question as a young mother (young not in age thank you, but in experience). i am constantly trying to get Bryson to share his toys...or if he does take a toy from Bodie to give him a different one first that he may like. while this works most of the time - i know it won't work for much longer! i think Bryson already senses that it isn't fair he has to share all his toys - some are special to him - some were given as presents to him only. does that make it fair that he HAS to share it? i dont know...

for instance, in one area i don't mind them not sharing...i dont like the looks of a baby playing with guns...come to think of it i dont like the looks of any child playing with guns, but that is a battle i lost long ago. when you come from a family where many are NRA members...that is a battle you don't even want to fight...and plus there were serious double standards when i bought him his first lightsaber (but its a jedi weapon...its different) no...apparently its not...and uncle jake now buys him a gun every time he sees him - most break before we leave his house, but still...back to my point...i let bryson keep his guns to himself - he needs to keep them in a special place so Bodie can't play with them and he isn't allowed to tease him with toys that he plays with.

but this brings me to my dilemma of personal property. what is personal property to a 3 year -almost 4 year old? how do i respect his property, but encourage a giving spirit in him? how do you teach what to share and what not to share to a pre-schooler? instinctively i believe it is important that a child learns about personal property - where to keep it so that it doesn't get stepped on/broken - how to care for it - how to put it back where it belongs...these are all things i am forced to think about now that there is 2 kids and i think it is good to start laying some rules before the baby gets bigger. anyway - any thoughts/suggestions/book recommendations would be helpful...i am torn between not wanting to create an object hording selfish person and someone who feels like they have nothing to call their own....

3 comments:

linsey said...

That one is hard. I'm still trying all kinds of things. So far I just have two different types of play. There are times when I let Liam go and play in his room with door shut so he doesn't have to fight Henry and other times where they have to share the toys. Henry is at the age where he can get to anything anywhere anytime so that is why I let Liam shut the door, or else I wouldn't. Liam also has to help teach Henry how to play and share. Maybe Bryson could pick out "baby" toys of his to give Bodie since he (bryson) is a "big boy" now. And I hear you on the gun thing vs. lightsaber thing. Ummm, hello? A Jedi knight is to us his lightsaber for knowledge and defense, never for attack. ;) (i think).

Mor Mor said...

Mor Mor says that this is a classic problem and gives you praise for trying to figure it out with logic as opposed to emotion and reaction. Personally, I think it is a problem that has no everytime solve and fairness is an event by event decision. Which...makes it very hard on the judge (you) because it is EVERY event that needs solving and that can wear you out fast. The problem that I have seen in the past is when you ALWAYS make the oldest child responsible for EVERY problem. The younger needs to know that he won't ALWAYS get what he wants just because he is younger. That breeds a selfishness as much as the older not sharing. That's why I like what Linsey said about letting the older child have some assigned space to enjoy his toys. Primarily...I think it is one of those issues that would be nice to have a solve once and for all so you didn't have to work so hard to solve it everytime it comes up. But alas, it is part of the "tending" that takes up so much energy when the kids are young. But so very important to try and solve because it becomes part of their value system later.

Paige said...

I don't have two kids, so mine just gets everything he wants.

But I do remember something my mom always (ALWAYS) used to say that may have some relevance... "Fair doesn't always mean equal"