the thing about hormones...

i have read a couple different posts over the past two days about weaning and depression and found it fascinating because i think i went through very similar things myself (the posts are here and here if you are interested). in fact i think that i can pinpoint a lot of the times i have struggled with depression and anxiety (all of which have happened POST kids...i never struggled with it before) with times of hormonal changes. and the thing is...i am 33 years old...i feel like i should know better by now. i feel like its the first thing i should ask myself when i am having those feelings of being over-whelmed and sad.

i keep thinking about what Joanna Goddard had said about reading other blogs and feeling like everyone had these perfect lives and balanced everything so well. it got me thinking about my own authenticity and hopeful that i never portray that to anyone...in fact i hope its the opposite...i feel like the best things i write are things that come from struggle...not linking to pretty things around the interwebs - although that has a place...and its fun...and i like to write about fun things too...

i think i have been experiencing something similar...i believe it must be hormonal, but its not a depression...its more like anxiety in general. not specific attacks, but its been super hard lately for me to enjoy my kids and i feel like i have been the most depressing mean crochety old mom lately. part of it is that bobby is at one of the most challenging ages (for me...i feel like every mom has an age that they find hard - for some its babies for me its one and a half) and bodie is well into his threes...which with both of my older boys 3 has been more challenging than 2...i feel like they are at this age of "almost understanding" and right on the cusp of "reasoning"...but not quite there...

but anyway - challenging ages aside - nothing has seemed to help - a night off...or sleep...or whatever else i tried...but lately i started working out again and that is the only thing that has begun to help. its such a mood regulator...i had forgotten...running gives me those good endorphin inducing feelings and its so much more productive than napping. napping will just make me crankier sometimes because inevitably a child wakes me up. and even though i am 33 years old i still can't help but be cranky at you if you wake me up. even if you are my child. true story...i broke up with a guy for waking me up...

so working out is helping and also...planning a trip next year for Greece! my husband and i have talked about going to Greece since we met...i dont know why it has become this big deal...but it is, in fact, a BIG DEAL.we have saved for it so many times and then used the money for something else...and keep putting the trip off because of whatever life circumstances...but that isn't going to happen this time! so we started a little savings account that we are squirreling away for Greece and we are making it happen next year. still not sure what we are going to do with the kids, but a good friend told me to just plan it and things will fall in line...and so...here we go...and it has helped me...

please allow me a moment to frame this. i have been having these claustrophobic moments as a mom...every morning its the same...6:00 am...i feel like its some sick joke being played on me...i never get to sleep in EVER anymore...even if i do get the night away (like 1x a year) i wake up at 6 because my body is so trained...and anyway - i have just been having these over-whelming feelings that its never going to change and every day is the same and its hard and its never going to get easier and i am always going to be responsible for these lives (and can i please note that it is extremely exhausting just trying to keep these 3 boys from killing/maiming themselves) and i just sometimes get sucked into that way of thinking and my whole being kinda shuts down from it all. but planning this trip has just completely changed my outlook...i have this amazing thing to plan/save/look forward to. i get to finally go somewhere with my husband for more than 1 night...i get to have an adventure...i can plan lots of adventures...this is just a phase of my life - its not THE END. and then i look up on my wall and see my print that reads "This too shall pass" and i smile. yes. perspective. hello.

i just get so sick of people telling me how precious this time is in my kids life and it goes by so fast...sometimes i wanna scream "GOOD! they are driving me insane...LITERALLY!...insane"...but i dont because i know...its true...but its not all giggles and cuddles and cuteness...i appreciate it when other (older, wiser) moms tell me how they remember this time and its so so challenging and then it gets easier...and then harder again when they are teens...i like that...i like easier...even if its only for a year...

i feel like i am snapping out of it though...finally...it has been a couple months now...but i wanted to share about what helped me to come out of it all...because we aren't alone...even if we think we are.

The Great Dough Experiment of Twenty-Twelve

this is probably the oddest of my kicks so far...especially considering that i still hope to lose 10 more pounds...this is probably not the wisest idea i ever had...but i decided during the holidays that i want to make a conscious effort to learn the art of bread making this year. 

Bodie just making pasta naked...totally normal...

i started with my mom's recipe and have made it about 3 times so far. i wanted to try a bunch of different recipes and figure out the different methods and ingredients and what difference it all makes, so then i moved on to Jamie Oliver's basic bread recipe...(i like my mom's better). i also made PW cinnamon rolls, and the Best Recipe Cook Book's pizza dough...holy schmoly...the best pizza dough ever! can i just gush about this pizza dough for a minute? so perfectly chewey and soft and fluffy and...oh dear...i might be drooling right now just thinking about it...so i guess i am saying if you were thinking about trying it out - do it! one recipe made plenty for my family - we had a bunch leftover, which happily went into lunches the next day. 

Fettucini drying

If you have any great bread recipes you would like to share -bring it! i am trying to make some sort of dough at least once a week..i mean once a month...i should say once a month, that way if i do more then...winning!

also - for Christmas my husband gave me a pasta maker and the pasta making has commenced! with great success i may add! it is quite labor intensive, but what a difference fresh pasta is! absolutely all worth it! 

i am not that far into my little experiment, but already i am starting to realize some very important things about cooking and family and preserving memories. i learned somewhere along the way that the olfactory nerve is the shortest nerve to the brain, hence the sense of smell triggers memories strongest. when i worked at an Alzheimer facility after High School part of my job was to bake bread in the bread machine twice a day - the purpose being aromatherapy. Hoping that just by smelling the bread baking would trigger memories (hopefully fond ones) for the residents. 

Handmade Tortellini - isn't it beautiful?

I thought about my own home growing up and smelling that smell when my mom would bake bread...and how many countless times i saw her kneading the bread and rolling it out...and what fond memories they are...so in a sense i think i am trying to create that home for my boys as well. a home full of yummy smells...so that when they are all grown up and out of the house, i will be with them with the simple whiff of baking bread. its a comforting thought...but also makes me feel a little manipulative...its all part of my evil sensory plan...mwa hahahaha!

but really...this is how we pass down our cultural ideas and values the easiest way - through food. with my husband's family being mixed and my family having their ways, food is one easy tangible way to share with our kids their heritage and values even. we had his Italian mom help us fill raviolis on our dining room table...i know it was a special time for Bryan and i love that we have pics like the first and last ones to show our kids they participated in this process. its showing them the value of doing it yourself, the value of more than one person in the kitchen, the value of taking time to do it. plus its just fun to play with your food! can you see the joy on bodie's face? 

its a journey anyway...and i think to get really good at anything you got to do it A LOT...and fail A LOT...and then try something else...and then go back to square one...anyway - you get it - its a process and i am excited about this one...and i know my boys are too - how awesome is fresh baked bread with a healthy slab of butter on it? pretty awesome...now off to find a bread diet weight loss plan ;)

sword swallowing, gag reflexes and relationships...

picture source 

so i have been having these amazing work outs...well, to be honest...some days are less working out physically and more working out mentally because my body refuses to run, but that is a-okay with me. i am all about listening to my *older* body and moving at a new pace and not trying to impress anyone...and sometimes i need to process and pray and think more than i need to burn calories. i had this amazing morning the other day during a "run" that turned into a walk and a great time with myself and my thoughts. i began thinking about sword swallowing...for some reason. 

you see...i used to see people swallow swords and not be too impressed because it must be some sort of trick sword or some illusion-ish trick. well...one day i watched some special about it for whatever reason (i think it was a guiness book of world records thing?) and learned that actually it is not a trick and it takes years and years for the person to train their body to ignore their gag reflex and to get the sword down and *nudge* their heart out of the way and it is actually a trick that takes years and years of training...and by the way is super dangerous and not to be taken lightly. 

i think all these non-connected thoughts came about because my husband and i last month celebrated 10 years of marriage and that will get anyone reminiscing and thinking about what all we have been through and where we are now and all that.

i think that when we were first married and going through a difficult first year of learning how to live together i would look at older couples and think they must have some "magic" trick...some code...some thing that we don't have. i guess looking at it now only 10 years in, i realize...NO...they are sword swallowers and they learned how to tame their gag reflexes.

i began thinking about my own "gag reflex". its definitely my selfishness. my value over "my time" and "my feelings". i dont enter into a discussion about the other...i start a discussion about ME.

which is where all kinds of nonsense happens.

in college i was a communication major and i happened to have an amazing professor that taught Rhetoric. there has been a lot that he taught that has stuck with me through the past (10!!) years and one of those nuggets is all about dialogue. the act of dialogue. the act of "knowing the other". i think at one point in discussion it was noted that most problems in the world could be solved if only we entered "true dialogue". if only our agenda was to truly enter into conversation with the pure agenda of "knowing the other". instead of "let me tell them exactly where I am coming from" (and that is "I" capitalized and bolded in case you missed it the first time)

so...you get to any point in a relationship - even with your mother or sister or best friend - where you find yourself having the same argument...the same mis-communication...the same whatever and you realize that you aren't seeing eye to eye. my gag reflex is to get frustrated...is to give up...is to go to bed. 

i wish i could instead train myself to try to "know the other". to truly stop trying to explain myself and try to figure where the other person is coming from. this takes time...obviously. it takes years. its sword swallowing in a relational sense.

i think the biggest hurdle to this "training" is our culture. our independent, post-modern, feminist culture (to throw out all kinds of buzz words). our culture tells us that OUR thoughts and feelings are what is important. humility is not an inherent American idyll. which is sad. to try to be supportive and catering to your husband is somehow considered "weak"...i think this is what i have been battling lately.

i thought during my walk about Jesus. i thought about one of the most intellectual atheists i ever met in college and even he admitted how wise Jesus was. so...even if you don't believe that He is the Messiah, lets just start with the assumption that He was a very wise and revolutionary man. can we start there? good...thanks...oh goodness - Jesus will rock your world with the things He said. Especially if you study the context in which He said everything He did...holy stuff...amazing. The humility and love he preaches. can you imagine a world that followed that? earth-rocking.

i was ending my walk with a mission to be a better "sword swallower". to train my selfish gag reflex to try to enter dialogue. thats the problem with being a "talker" is that to make people feel more comfortable i tend to talk about myself...and i think i could stand to learn a bit more about the world if i only ask...i only listen better...i only try to truly learn about the other...

it may not look as cool as swallowing a sword, but hopefully to the other person, it will feel that cool!

 

designating time

so this is me...taking a picture of me...relaxing...ha! actually i wanted to see how bad my freckles have gotten this summer...pretty rad! i found like 4 freckles on bodie and got a little excited that my kids may actually get some freckles :)

i wanted to write about designating time. i get into these ruts - where i start to feel nostalgic about how i used to read my Bible every day or how i used to sew so much more or how there was that 3 month period where i worked out religiously or that week where i actually stuck to a diet and then i start to feel guilty that i have let it ALL go and then part of me wants to not eat anything for a week and lock myself in a bathroom with a Bible and then go run for 20 miles while working on an embroidery piece. not very realistic...or even appealing really...actually it all sounds a little lunatic-ey...

BUT...after a period of chaos, which inevitably interrupts any sort of good thing i get going - in this case, SUMMER (since we own a pool business) - i start to crave a little sense of order and routine and doing something for myself.

my (very sweet and thoughtful) husband bought me for my birthday a massage once a month...only since my birthday (november) i have only scheduled it 3 times. i always put it at the lowest priority and it inevitably never gets done. bryan and i had a conversation about this the other night - he told me he got it for me to use...(duh) and he is willing to do whatever for me to use it...which i know...but for some reason...when it comes to picking up the phone to schedule myself a massage...when that money could go toward this or that and my time could be better spent here or there...i just dont seem to get around to it.

now...i realize...as i type...this is silly talk...this was a present and meant to be used and appreciated. why dont i value that? i dont think i am the only mother to feel this way. i also lately have felt extremely spent...work is super stressful..the kids right now are ALL super high maintenance and stressful and i feel like if i wasnt there they would surely kill themselves or each other right now (did i mention that my 2.5 year old snuck out the front window the other night and we found him around the corner from our house?) and at the end of the day i have little to no energy after the kids are in bed...not enough to sew...not enough to work out...just enough to sit on the couch...maybe have a conversation with my husband...thats what the kids are calling it...anyways...

i got to thinking...my problem is that i look at my time in the day/week/month as what can i accomplish for everyone else? if i dont set time aside as valuable and sacred, it absolutely won't get done. i started blabbing off things to my girlfriend of days/times i want to schedule throughout the week/month...at first it was all silly talk and "in a dream world" but then as i was talking i was realizing...hey...this isn't so crazy...this is do-able...and actually a little brilliant of myself for voicing my desires...so here are some of them for your entertainment...

1. i want to workout at least 3 days a week without my children...i am over that right now at this point in my life - the only way i will look forward to working out is if it is also a time for me to be refreshed and re-juvved...is that a word? anyway - i think tue, thur, sat...for me and he gets mon, wed, fri...that could be do-able...the sad thing about this is that i love working out with my husband...but we are in survival mode baby! maybe 2 days a week alone and a weekend workout together?

2. i want to designate a week night to sew. this should totally be do-able since the hubby has golf or softball or poker or something at least once a week...i just need to set it aside to get through the (large) pile of projects!!

3. i crave a girls night every other week or so - i would like to designate a night of the week or every other week where i intentionally hang with a girlfriend or a group of girls...i live in a house with 4 BOYS...also 2 additional BOYS work at our house M-F...so needless to say...i am surrounded...outnumbered...i need my girl time to feel sane and also remember it is not normal to "let it go"

4. date night - we are pretty good about this, but i want to be even more intentional. at least every other week leaving the house...with each other...somewhere not lame. i love my husband but working together makes it even more important to date...

5. reading/meditation - on my off-days of working out (probably during nap times)  i want to spend at least a half hour reading some type of devotional or the Bible...i feel like it should really be every day...but since it is not at all right now, i dont want to overwhelm myself!

6. finally...i want to work into our budget somehow once a month for four hours me hiring a babysitter and having a Mama's Day Out...and NOT feel guilty about it. i can go thrifting or (finally) use those pedicure gift cards that have been sitting in my purse for a year or just go to a coffee shop and read or meet up with a friend...just do something outside of work and kids for myself...with that very intention...because i truly need that...every mom needs to carve out some sort of time...the trick is the NOT feeling guilty part...but whenever i do start to feel guilty i will read this post and remember how run-down mama gets when she hasnt left the house for a month and threw a throw pillow at her oldest son because he got out of his room for the fifth time after putting him to bed.

A *super sad* goodbye to ReadyMade

oh man...did you hear the news? i just heard this weekend and i am indeed so sad...so sad...in 2001 i graduated college...got married...moved into our first apartment together...found my first job (at a publishing house) and that is where my love for ReadyMade began...

we were SOOOO poor when i started working for Fairchild Publications...like...so poor...like we had been paying rent on our credit cards because we moved to LA in Sept of 2001..and a little over a week moving in Sept. 11th happened...just so happened to happen on the day of my interview at Dreamworks...needless to say that interview was postponed...then cancelled...and 3 months of temp jobs and juggling credit cards led to me working at Fairchild.

i was introduced to magazines of every type and not sure how i found out about ReadyMade, but i contacted their manager and worked out a trade every month of our publications for theirs...i have subscribed to their magazine ever since. i believe i have received every publication since their inception. i think i have kept them all too.

anyways...it is one of the only magazines i have ever subscribed to (apart from Mothering) and look forward to it every month and it is my go to bathroom magazine (TMI?) i have kept all the issues because there is inspiration everywhere and i believe it started my love for DIY...and made me feel normal for not throwing certain things away and for scouring thrift stores endlessly.

i think what blows me away is that this magazine is so ahead of its time and fits in so well with our economy and state of mind with how design is going...how can it fold? well, being in publication and specifically working for ad sales for magazines i can venture an educated guess, but it saddens me...deeply.

i will miss you ReadyMade...and hope and pray an e-magazine fills its place...that is just as cool and edgy and thought provoking!!!

Holy Peonies!

they are as big as my head! well...maybe bobby's head..from Trader Joe's of all places. my sister gasped when she saw them and then told me that my house (of boys) always needs big pretty pink flowers. i couldnt agree more!

Bikes on the brain...

during Easter weekend we were a part of an awesome bike-hunt birthday party around Santa Barbara...that is where this picture was taken...bodie found a way to sleep comfortably on th Wee-Ride Kangaroo seat. I still love this seat, but think it would be better for me to get a trailer, so i can take the littles and bryson can ride beside me...right now i need a biking partner. Anyone have any recommendations for trailers??

I am itching to go on a bike ride! we had a string of beautiful days and now the gloomy weather is looking to stay for a while, but it is not hindering my desire to get out and ride with the boys!

Swamp Baby

if i would have thought of it sooner, i would have made us all gone as "Swamp People" for Halloween. our whole family is LOVEing this show...

Bryson constantly quotes (our favorite) Troy, "dassa big alligator. gunna haveta catch dat sucka!"

here is bodie dressed as "T Mike" yes...thats his name...T Mike...why? i dunno...but i love it! we had a bandana on him, but he took it off...PS look how buff he is!

but we are already thinking of having a Swamp People party...if you ever watch the show...and see their dinners they eat - its all completely beige...EVERYTHING is fried...so that would of course be the menu...fried gator, french fries, fried catfish...anyone know where we could find some gator?

I Figured It Out!!

okay...after thinking about it for approximately 10 minutes total today...i have started our family blog - The Barnes Yard...get it...like a barnyard...ha...get it? no? that's okay...you can follow it here:

http://barneshousehold.blogspot.com/

and this space will continue to show all things home-made - cooking, sewing, knitting (if i ever get around to knitting again) and some things kids...product reviews...stuff like that...and of course a space to share zoodie updates...i am excited that my blogging is getting organized!

why i've been silent...

you probably didnt notice...maybe you did...i never do when other bloggers apologize for being gone...but the truth is that i love writing - i love journaling - i love the community of *most* creative blogging women. it gives people a chance to be their own columnist...and that is very satisfying to me....so the fact that i havent felt any desire to do so for a week or so is very unlike me. i have been re-thinking this here blog - what it is - what it should not be...

you see...this last week the unthinkable horror happened to a fellow friend...a fellow mama...in our MOPs group - her 3 week old baby passed away unexpectedly and it feels like the whole world stopped rotating for a day or so. our babies were only a week apart. my heart has been breaking for her and her family and i never thought in my life that i would have to attend a memorial service for a baby. i can not imagine the grief she is experiencing right now - the emotional...and very physical grief...but, what has been amazing to watch is the community of women rising up and surrounding her family with support and love. i have never been prouder to be a part of something in my life, than i have with my church and this community. We had Sue Beeney (an amazing person and she happens to attend our church as well) facilitate our last MOPs meeting and she spoke on grief and how we can allow the family to grieve naturally and beneficially. it was intense and powerful and healing and i am so glad that the mama and her family were there to receive that communal grieving.

so it seems silly to me right now to post pictures of my kids or things i make...i think this baby...this precious soul...has had such a strong impact on a lot of people and re-arranging values and priorities, etc. - in a good way...in a necessary way...in a shake-able way. a layer of vulnerability has been exposed on just about every person i have spoken with.

with my friend devon passing...writing about it has been so so helpful in processing it...and i think just speaking about things like this helps not only the person writing, but perhaps others who can't find words and need to. it also helps speak unspeakable things....it brings community...i have been throwing that word around like its nothing, but it means everything to me right now...it is a heart word...for sure.

as far as this here space...i do love this process - this journaling about life using pictures and links. it is somewhat silly, but i think it has had a very positive impact in my little life. i love the sharing of ideas...the motivation to create and the space to show-and-tell. i love meeting new people and being inspired and of course, recognition is always nice to any mom who *rarely* receives it from well-meaning little ones.

so, perhaps a new space is needed. a way to separate "Sweet B" from my kids and our crazy life...i think this space is good to keep track of the process of a home-made life. i was inspired by a grandma who told me to take pictures of the things i make before i give them away because everything you make "is a little piece of you".

but perhaps some people don't care to see my kids and their grubby faces...which i get...i do...i dont like other blogs about people's kids i dont know....and i think my kids are cute, but that is because i produced them...so of course i do...but they are super cute...i'm not making that up...

once i get it all figured out - i'll of course let you know. until then...

happy friday!

i am so so happy it is friday! i was reminded that while taking a mini vacation in the middle of the week is a wonderful wonderful thing...it makes working thursday and friday absolutely dreadful! i plan to spend loads of time with my boys...a nice brunch with ladies (because lady time is important in a male dominated house :) and hopefully sneak in some sewing time somewhere...the weather just started turning to summer around here. and let me tell you...being 8 months pregnant in upper 90s heat is not a pretty sight...not at all...i hope you all have a wonderful weekend and stay cool...somehow!

full plate

yesterday bordered on the ridiculous. every facet of my life that i have an obligation to or responsibility toward needed me yesterday. it made me realize how full my plate is at the moment. it made me realize my breaking point. but the good news is that there was no meltdown or breakdown this time (which is a HUGE thing considering i am a complete hormonal mess right now).

my best friend and i share this awful habit of finding ourselves bored and then committing to everyone and everything little by little until we realize that not only are we not bored, we are frazzled. we both (in college) knew this about ourselves since high school...and both would watch each other repeat this cycle again and again and again. now, even though we live states apart, we still call each other up whilst in frazzled mode and loudly complain, "i did it again!" WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS? and then we laugh at each other...we metaphorically dump the plates and slowly end commitments...then get bored....yada yada yada.

i like the analogy of a full plate. i picture my friend and i going through this "help yourself" buffet of life and exclaiming at every delightfully seeming item "oooh! this looks good!" or "i could totally eat that and not get fat!" or "i bet since its cooked like this i WONT get heartburn this time". i like to consider myself more mature...much much wiser...and certainly a pickier eater...i should know better than to eat certain foods...but goodness...i love that mac n cheese.

we take our plates back to our table and begin to eat, but after a while, after those first bites of bliss and happiness, you soon find yourself stuffed and somewhat nauseous...there is not a stomach big enough to eat it all, so you take bird bites and try try try to finish it. sometimes you even make yourself ill in the process, but dern it if you are going to waste food!

i am getting a little lost in my analogy, but you get the point. i think my good news is that this time i was very aware that a third baby was coming and made sure my commitments would be somewhat complete by the end of my pregnancy...but i think i overestimated my energy levels all the same.

the truth of it is that i am sincerely energized by challenges and my life-long challenge will be balancing them. it is my nature to try to conquer new things and constantly set new goals...and i genuinely like that about myself, however, sometimes i need to give myself a vacation from...myself...and my expectations of myself. and allow myself to be a slacker...

Happy Weekend!! Random Post!

we are experiencing this crazy beautiful sunny weather...not to rub it in to those of you still shoveling snow, but i think everyone around here is planning a very Spring-ish weekend! 

**i have a HOT date tonight...we are going to see this in IMAX at a 21+ screening...wuu! has anyone seen this? is it amazing/disappointing? i am a big tim burton fan...so i have high hopes...and tim burton in 3D - what? can you say RAD?

**tomorrow is my niece Katlyn's 16th birthday party....16!!! what??? i remember when she was a chubby little grubby baby and now she is 16 and rolling her eyes and texting and going to be DRIVING!!! excuse me while i have a little heart attack! 

**Bryan took Bryson on a par 3 course yesterday...looks like he needs to work on his short game, but when i asked him how he did he said, "i hit the ball like 4 miles" he already sounds like a golfer!

**i finally am feeling this baby move around and its so exciting...i know it wont be in a little while...but right now its the best feeling in the world! oh and my friend meredith's mother predicted the baby to be a girl...she has a 100% accuracy telling...so i am off to paint the nursery pink...j/k i dont have a nursery...

**we are also planning to start our garden this weekend...off to find some pre-packaged mel's mix...this is going to be a lazy-man's garden...but excited to carve out some growing space!

**hope you all have a great weekend too! hope a little Spring comes to you!

village schmillage...it takes a freakin city!

i have been trying to collect some thoughts bouncing around in my head lately. i find myself tonight in a quiet house...which in itself is a rare event...but the normal distractions are not appeasing me, so i thought i might try to make sense of some things...bear with me...

last week i had an appointment in orange county near the irvine spectrum and took my boys there to kill some time before bodie's nap. i found myself sitting at a table next to three moms and their young babies. they all each had one and all were around 1 year old. each of the moms was wearing a sweater set of some sort - i think one even had a pearl necklace...and two of them had those protective high chair thingies on their high chairs and they brought their own placemats. whatever...that is fine...i think what struck me is how odd i felt next to them (because i was literally seated at the next table) i grew up in orange county, why do these moms seem so foreign to me? why do i look like such a ragamuffin now? their kids were dressed all matching and cute and my boys were both wearing shirts i had made them and looked their normal adorable grubby selves.

it wasnt a judgement thing on them or myself. it didnt make me feel bad or good being next to them and i didnt look at them in a bad or good way...although i must say i cant stand those high-chair/stroller protective things...i think they are a good idea, but the thought of having to carry one around in my car all the time and deal with washing it and gahhh it just seems like such unnecessary work....i just let my kids get swine flu and bitch about it - thats how i roll! anyway...back to the not-judging...ha! - i love it when my mom and her sister get together and one of them may say something caddy and the other will inevitably say, "dont you wish everyone were as perfect as us?" in a joking matter...i use it now with my sister...it humbles us and makes us laugh and terrifies us because we are turning into them!

i guess what has been rolling around in my brain is that i have somehow been finding my way around this parenting thing for the past 4.5 years through the help of MANY women and i think i felt a sense of confidence that i didnt look at those women with any sort of jealousy or longing...or pity for that matter.

im NOT saying i have any clue as to what i am doing...i dont think i would ever be so bold. i am saying that i may look different than a lot of moms out there...i may act different and discipline differently than what is the "trend" of parenting..i may have a lot of beliefs that are more traditional and less "progressive"...but i do feel confident in my support system of other competent moms...including my own mom who help to keep me on track. i think it is so important and will never tiring of telling other moms out there to seek that. MOPS is a great place to start if you dont know where - also Yahoo groups has worked well for a lot of other mamas i know. i think i remember back to when i first had Bryson and didnt really know other moms in my area and it felt so lonely...and scary...and i was no where near confident in anything i was doing...and i think if myself as a mom then could see myself as a mom now she might be a little less scared...i dont know.

im saying all this through the lens of my third pregnancy and expecting our third baby and being just a bit more than a little freaked out about it. not that i dont think i can handle it...im pretty sure we'll be fine...people have done a lot more with a lot less...but i have no doubt that this will probably be the most challenging chapter in my life so far and will stretch myself and my marriage to limits it has not yet seen...the thing that keeps my heart and soul from erupting with anxiety is that i know how grounded we are in our faith and that helps us not get too full of ourselves and with that i know we will ultimately be okay...that and coffee...

freaky doll hand lady

have you ever been in a class and had a hard time paying attention to the person speaking because the whole time you are obsessing about something about them? like what they are wearing...or their lisp...or the fact that her hands are so freakishly small they remind you of this SNL clip and the whole time you picture Kristen Wiig's freaky forehead on her and maybe you even burst out laughing in the middle of class when nothing funny was said and the whole class looks at you expectantly...no? yeah me either...just wondrin!

we're famous

hardly...but when Arwen had a wierd moment on Eric's bag Bryson and i took her in to Long Beach Animal Hospital.

this is why the internet is so dangerous. instead of the ol' "wait n see" approach which has generally served pet owners and parents alike okay over the years...the approach is now replaced with a "google and freak out" approach in which we all pretend that we are Doctors in training and fully competent to pronounce our cat with Dysuria and spend $200 on tests to show that she is actually fine.

anyway...glad she is fine and glad they took a picture of us in their office and put it on their new patients portion of their site...bryson was super excited about it so looks like our $200 was super well spent!

A Love-Ish Post

bryan and i have been married for 8 1/2 years...we have very dissimilar personalities - which is why it works :) but part of the problem with the personalities and also our genders is that our communication isnt always what/how it should/could be. which is funny since i was a communications major in college...which i always think of my professor Dunn who would remind people that said Comm majors should be the best communicators that the judges who judge the Olympic figure skating can't do what the skaters could do...but they knew the difference between proper and poor technique...this is beside my point...as usual...

so i have been recommended this book by several well respected people. plus a speaker spoke on the principle in this book last year and it intrigued me...The book is Love and Respect by Dr. Eggerichs. You may have heard of it. It is based on Christianity - some verses in the Bible and Christian principles. I think any couple regardless of their religion should read it...its based on the premise that a woman needs love and a man needs respect and there is a certain cycle laid out where a woman who feels loved shows respect and a man who feels respected shows love...there is also the crazy cycle where the opposite happens.

My "aha" moment came this week when i was reading part of the book out loud to Bryan. The author lays out 6 ways in which a man feels respected. One of the ways was shoulder-to-shoulder friendship. it talked about how men like it when their woman just sits there and doesnt talk. i thought it was so funny...but bryan was agreeing! what? you feel this way? the book goes on to cite a study of girls v. guys. the study was several ages of pairs of girls and boys and 2 chairs in a room side by side and the people were asked to sit in the room for 15 minutes. in an alarming percentage the women changed the chairs to face each other and talked where the men sat in the chairs silent, sometimes glancing at the other but that is about it.

i  guess i knew this about male relationships...that makes sense...but with their mate too? it started to make so much sense. bryan always asks me to do the most remedial things with him and him and the boys and sometimes when it doesnt make sense - when i have other things to multi-task - when i am the middle of cleaning the house or answering emails or whatever to stop what i am doing and go with him to the post office or whatever. but now it makes sense. he wants that shoulder to shoulder time. and though it may seem unimportant to me and a "waste" of time...it actually matters a lot....to HIM. and it is a very simple way to show him respect.

again - this is probably totally "duh" to some of you...but i am so happy to have read this chapter because it has really shown me the different ways in which we process and receive love. I love it that i am still learning new things about him after 8 1/2 years of marriage.

its probably not cool to talk about respecting your husband...but if you think it isnt cool, just do a little test tonight and tell your husband 3 or 4 different reasons on why you respect him and see what happens! i was a little amazed in our case...

random-ness

**Warning Random Post**

* now that Bodie is walking...baby-ness is officially over. this has caused much sadness with my mama heart...especially since Bodie is such a "baby" baby...do you know what i mean? bryson has wanted to grow up since he came into this world...even now he asks me how old does he have to be until he can live on his own and drive a car. just that independent spirit - and i get it...i am it too...i love that part of bryson because it is going to serve him so well in his life...so for that reason his growing up has made me proud and now i am having this opposite reaction with Bodie...watching him grow up makes me sad - a little too much i think.

* look at this picture...Bodie likes to get in corners and just cheese it up...he has been doing it all week - what is that about?


* I am loving Ryan's new maternity series - i followed the one he did for his wife because she also had a homebirth and was due just months after i was due with Bodie - and now he is doing this for their friend and i just love it!

* Bryson was gone last week with his grandparents up north - he grew like an inch and came back with all these new phrases like, "that darn cat" and " oh my word...what am i going to do with all these buttons?" and other very grown up - not-4-ish-at-all expressions that are cracking me up.

* the other pic is of Bryan's near nightly wrastling adventures of which Bodie is now trying to participate - he loves it so much its scary...i have boys...did i mention that - BOYS...capitalized...

*LOVE is in the air! we have been keeping busy this week with making some valentines and some candy necklaces and painting hearts...i am needing a celebration of love these days and intend on many a more craft sesh...plus i have like 10 dresses i need to sew...and some time to sew them...i am excited for some new patterns and can't wait to show you all!

geekdom

i dont know why this has been consuming my thoughts lately...maybe its the american idol auditions we have been watching...but we were having a serious discussion..."what if there were a kingdom of geeks...a geekdom...who would be a part of the royal court?" i thought gamers for sure, but Bryan opposed that thought saying they would definitely be the military...which i see his point, but then what about the LARPers (Live Action Role Players)? I think Entomologists have to be up there...Stephen Hawking is quite possibly King...Dont worry - i would definitely be in this kingdom because Star Wars geeks and Trekkies would make up the majority of the royal subjects...as would D&D guys and Ren Fair people...i think the computer programmers would be the "cool guys" like the knights of the round table? or the Dukes and Duchesses or something? anyway - this is obviously puzzling my brain quite a bit...who would be queen? prince and princesses? who would this guy be? please help...

Shmorganize

so i talked a little about our closet problem...so i had to figure some stuff out...it has been nice to start fresh - to be forced to organize things which have not been organized for years. i always thought i was an organized person, but my husband reminds me there is a big difference between being organized and liking things organized. very true. i am also fine with chaos...its my usual state of things. but it does feel nice to be organized once in a while. preferable even.  so one thing i had to figure out was bryan's growing hat and sunglass collection he has amassed since starting Pseudo Rebels...i found this great over the door cap holder and pocket organizer, which organizes not only his glasses, but all his bling and random medallions! i was very happy with this - and so was Bryan!

i also found this organizer rack to help keep our cookie sheets, trays and cutting boards from potentially falling on my head.

this amazing shelf helped us utilize this space under the sink for storage of our glass items.

sorry for the cruddy picture - my sewing was a deal - always unorganized - Bryan could not stand it - so i wanted something i could just shut on it when i wasnt using my machine - we had an odd little space in the kitchen and this cabinet from IKEA worked well!

voila! a sewing station - still a mess - but its okay cause i can just shut it back up when i am done...when i ever start...oh boy i have like a mazillion projects i need to do!

we also lacked the ample drawers we had in our old place. But its good because those drawers were always a mess and never organized and you could never easily find what you are looking for - that is why i am happy to have moved on to our utensil stand (found it at Target).

and finally - the most annoying part of the day for Bryan when he has the kids is trying to track down everyone's shoes, socks, hats, sweatshirts, etc. now we have the family superstation - everyone has their own drawer and i just need to remember to fill it with what Bryan may need so that i get pestered less to look for everything. Also shoes will hopefully religiously go there so there are no more treasure hunting for shoes happening. It is the Itso storage system and you can get it at Target. The little door hides all of Byrson's craft stuff, which is perfect for him to keep organized too!

there are many more finds, but these were some of my favorites - please let me know any other organization secrets you have - i know you got em!