we went for a walk the other day. i happen to live on the same street now that Devon did when she passed away. we pass her old house often on our walks and i try to remember the happy times there...not the chemo times. the parties she loved to throw...the girls nights...the just stopping by and saying hi and her always being so excited...the trashy TV nights....girl loved her some trash TV :) i tell my boys - "thats where Devon lived - do you remember her Bryson?" he always says yes :)
i still miss her incredibly. it hurts that i will never see my friend again. i have been crying...a lot.
i think i have been thinking of her so much lately because 3 years ago around this time she was forced by a co-worker to go to the ER because she had been having head-aches and had become dizzy. what she thought was maybe just stress turned out to be a "weird mass" and then a possible cyst and them a benign tumor and then a JPA tumor and then the most aggressive brain cancer there is...it, of course was always the cancer - it just took her Kaiser doctors a few wrong guesses and several botched biopsies to know it...around this time she had her first brain surgery. she was so scared. so scared. i had never seen devon scared of anything and when i stopped by the hospital before she went into surgery to drop off a Bible (at her request) i could see the fear in her eyes and they started to water and i sat on her bed and held her hand and she just looked at me and cried. an you know what i told her? i'll never forget. "you're gunna be okay devon...you're gunna be fine. everything is going to be fine." i tried to be positive the entire time...i couldnt let myself believe that devon wouldnt be okay. i couldnt accept it until she told me it was glioma.
what else prompts this post is that i recently heard an interview on NPR about the internet and what happens when someone dies and their on-line content. it was an interesting discussion. They were talking about when to take it down - do you take it down? i can't seem to erase her phone number from my phone - her address from my contacts - her blog from my reader - her email from my group lists (it always bounces back, but sometimes i like to think she reads all her email in heaven) i visit her blog often - she didnt start keeping it until after she was diagnosed with cancer, but it brings me comfort and it makes me laugh and it feels like she is still around in a small way.
a friend was also saying that a lot of people turn facebook profiles of people who have passed into memorial sites. i am kind of a fan of this on-line memorializing. i think it makes the grieving process so much more communal and ongoing...because it is...here i am a year and a half after she passed away still crying and yearning for her.
any thoughts on this either way?
Showing posts with label devon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label devon. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
grief, loss, mourning...you know...the fun stuff!
at MOPS today the speaker spoke on loss and grieving. she spoke about her organization, New Hope Grief Support and what they do. she really slapped me in the face with her words...in a good way...in a "wake up and realize your grief" kinda way.
her name was Sue Beeney...she was so sweet. before she spoke she flagged me down in the hall and asked me my name, "its Carlee" i said..."ooohh...you just so look like a Carlee...your outfit is so darling and i love your tights and your whole person is just so precious!" and she hugged me...so...of course i loved her and listened to everything she said and we are now BFFs...i dont think i have ever been told i look like a Carlee before...i guess i have always struggled with my name...maybe from people telling me they knew a dog or had a dog named Carly...(because they wouldnt spell it Carlee right?) but coming from Sue i took it as an extreme compliment and her kind words made my day and made me realize how important it is to uplift people however terrifying it may be to impart a compliment to a stranger.
anywhoooo...the topic was hard...last year sucked...i lost one of my good friends and my uncle within months of each other. i am still processing. i realized today i still have a lot to process, and thought this would be a good place to start. she mentioned the importance of journaling and i realized that by writing about Devon here i helped to express a little of that grief and not carry it with me and i realized i still have a long way to go.
i also had a miscarraige 2 years ago that i am still processing and grieving as well. people may think that once you have a baby after a miscarraige that it is similar to replacing a dead goldfish or hamster with a new one, but anyone who has had a child or lost a child could testify it is something you will always remember and grieve in your own way. its so common - one in every three or four women will have experienced it and few talk about it. i decided after it happened that i would be open about it because i wanted to invite conversation about it however hard it would be and i knew i made the right decision when a few days ago a friend called to tell me she suffered one and knew i had and wanted to talk about it. when i opened up to people about it and learned how many other women have gone through the same i felt a little more comforted in that grief...that i dont bear it alone i guess...is that selfish? human? i found great comfort in the story about a miscarraige in the book Baby Catcher and remembered writing this post shortly after.
her point that hit home to me was her three things she would want to tell any grieving person:
1. everything you are feeling/experiencing is normal
2. you are not crazy
3. give yourself persmission to grieve
she also gave us permission to show that grief to our children. she talked about the importance of showing grief to children. i felt so much better after i heard this because i have broken down SEVERAL times in front of bryson about devon...
"why are you sad mommy"
"because i miss my friend devon"
he would comfort me in his way and in his "windows" and then i would feel bad for not being able to keep it together for my child, but her words and wisdom and experience relieved that and made me realize how NORMAL grief is...how HUMAN it is...how NECESSARY it is. she called tears the "Pain Drain" - she said there are studies of tears from sadness - that they contain toxins the body expels - that they are different than the tears one sheds from joy - no toxins in those. that was huge to me...it told me God designed us to cry.
one of the most cathartic essays i ever wrote in college was one i had my senior year - it was to write about a Christian cliche that you couldn't stand and why. ohhhh....so many to choose from....but i chose the topic of suffering. how some Christians like to paint a smiley face over suffering instead of embracing it. i chose the cliche that i heard a zillion times "Suffering produces character" true...but so misused when one is in the midst of it. i found solace in the books of Lametations and Job and Ecclesiastes and still turn to these in times of contemplation and anger and questioning and despair. I love the practice of All Saints Day in the Catholic churches - to speak the names of the dead - to memorialize them. the Protestant churches dont tend to practice this...and that makes me a little sad...
i was/am very fortunate to have found some Christian friends in college who are very real in their faith and friendship and don't shy away from the tough stuff. my uncle commited suicide and the emotions involved in a passing like that are beyond comprehendable. i still am in a processing mode (have i overused that word yet?) and my heart is broken for his wife and boys he left behind. i am constantly in a state of bereiving the great man that he was and memorializing his legacy and the great things he has done and anger at the way he left this world. i think it is important to separate the two...
over the last 3.5 years i have lost 2 uncles and 1 friend and 2 of those deaths were very sudden and Devon's was very drawn out and expected, but i realize that there is a sort of closure with someone who passes due to a terminal illness. at least you make a peace...at least you can say your bittersweet goodbyes...at least you have some sort of journey with that person...when a loved one passes so unexpectedly the process is that much harder...it continues for so much longer. like...forever...it seems...
i felt released today of a lot of guilt i have been harboring...just in the sense of dissecting guilt as an emotion alone and how man-made it is...how it is something so personally constructed...i let go of the guilt of never saying goodbye to my grandma, of not spending enough time with Devon in her latter months, of not spending enough time with my uncles and telling them how much they meant to me, of the baby that never was born. it was so nice to spend time with other women in the atmosphere of comfort of being able to release a lot of that emotion...of not being afraid of that or embarrassed by that.
i decided today that the only way to change a lot of the Protestant cliches surrounding death is to be more open myself. to open myself up to be there to grieve with someone - to not cover it up with a joke or sarcastic comment - to let that person cry when they need - to not be afraid of tears, but to share in them with that person if need be. to not "talk them out of grief" but to journey alongside them and let my grief be exposed. and above all to acknowledge grief. so important. i remember when my grandmother died i was in such community - i was in college - surrounded by friends...Christian friends...i remember the only person who sent a card was my friend Charlie...it meant so much to me...i think everyone else didnt know how to be there in my grief and shied away from it, but for someone to acknowledge it in that way meant so much. just a simple card...just a simple note to let someone know that you realize they are grieving and that you are thinking about them...Sue encouraged us to make a note to send it a couple months after the passing - when the cards have stopped. i will...because we are all too respectful of each other's grieiving process to the point that we can be too removed.
in case you may be dealing with grief in whichever way - loss of a marraige, or baby, or friend, or family member - please check out her website and the groups they offer - she has developed a book for children too to help explain loss and work through it as well and i would encourage anyone who may be in need to seek help...because Lord knows we need all the help we can get!
her name was Sue Beeney...she was so sweet. before she spoke she flagged me down in the hall and asked me my name, "its Carlee" i said..."ooohh...you just so look like a Carlee...your outfit is so darling and i love your tights and your whole person is just so precious!" and she hugged me...so...of course i loved her and listened to everything she said and we are now BFFs...i dont think i have ever been told i look like a Carlee before...i guess i have always struggled with my name...maybe from people telling me they knew a dog or had a dog named Carly...(because they wouldnt spell it Carlee right?) but coming from Sue i took it as an extreme compliment and her kind words made my day and made me realize how important it is to uplift people however terrifying it may be to impart a compliment to a stranger.
anywhoooo...the topic was hard...last year sucked...i lost one of my good friends and my uncle within months of each other. i am still processing. i realized today i still have a lot to process, and thought this would be a good place to start. she mentioned the importance of journaling and i realized that by writing about Devon here i helped to express a little of that grief and not carry it with me and i realized i still have a long way to go.
i also had a miscarraige 2 years ago that i am still processing and grieving as well. people may think that once you have a baby after a miscarraige that it is similar to replacing a dead goldfish or hamster with a new one, but anyone who has had a child or lost a child could testify it is something you will always remember and grieve in your own way. its so common - one in every three or four women will have experienced it and few talk about it. i decided after it happened that i would be open about it because i wanted to invite conversation about it however hard it would be and i knew i made the right decision when a few days ago a friend called to tell me she suffered one and knew i had and wanted to talk about it. when i opened up to people about it and learned how many other women have gone through the same i felt a little more comforted in that grief...that i dont bear it alone i guess...is that selfish? human? i found great comfort in the story about a miscarraige in the book Baby Catcher and remembered writing this post shortly after.
her point that hit home to me was her three things she would want to tell any grieving person:
1. everything you are feeling/experiencing is normal
2. you are not crazy
3. give yourself persmission to grieve
she also gave us permission to show that grief to our children. she talked about the importance of showing grief to children. i felt so much better after i heard this because i have broken down SEVERAL times in front of bryson about devon...
"why are you sad mommy"
"because i miss my friend devon"
he would comfort me in his way and in his "windows" and then i would feel bad for not being able to keep it together for my child, but her words and wisdom and experience relieved that and made me realize how NORMAL grief is...how HUMAN it is...how NECESSARY it is. she called tears the "Pain Drain" - she said there are studies of tears from sadness - that they contain toxins the body expels - that they are different than the tears one sheds from joy - no toxins in those. that was huge to me...it told me God designed us to cry.
one of the most cathartic essays i ever wrote in college was one i had my senior year - it was to write about a Christian cliche that you couldn't stand and why. ohhhh....so many to choose from....but i chose the topic of suffering. how some Christians like to paint a smiley face over suffering instead of embracing it. i chose the cliche that i heard a zillion times "Suffering produces character" true...but so misused when one is in the midst of it. i found solace in the books of Lametations and Job and Ecclesiastes and still turn to these in times of contemplation and anger and questioning and despair. I love the practice of All Saints Day in the Catholic churches - to speak the names of the dead - to memorialize them. the Protestant churches dont tend to practice this...and that makes me a little sad...
i was/am very fortunate to have found some Christian friends in college who are very real in their faith and friendship and don't shy away from the tough stuff. my uncle commited suicide and the emotions involved in a passing like that are beyond comprehendable. i still am in a processing mode (have i overused that word yet?) and my heart is broken for his wife and boys he left behind. i am constantly in a state of bereiving the great man that he was and memorializing his legacy and the great things he has done and anger at the way he left this world. i think it is important to separate the two...
over the last 3.5 years i have lost 2 uncles and 1 friend and 2 of those deaths were very sudden and Devon's was very drawn out and expected, but i realize that there is a sort of closure with someone who passes due to a terminal illness. at least you make a peace...at least you can say your bittersweet goodbyes...at least you have some sort of journey with that person...when a loved one passes so unexpectedly the process is that much harder...it continues for so much longer. like...forever...it seems...
i felt released today of a lot of guilt i have been harboring...just in the sense of dissecting guilt as an emotion alone and how man-made it is...how it is something so personally constructed...i let go of the guilt of never saying goodbye to my grandma, of not spending enough time with Devon in her latter months, of not spending enough time with my uncles and telling them how much they meant to me, of the baby that never was born. it was so nice to spend time with other women in the atmosphere of comfort of being able to release a lot of that emotion...of not being afraid of that or embarrassed by that.
i decided today that the only way to change a lot of the Protestant cliches surrounding death is to be more open myself. to open myself up to be there to grieve with someone - to not cover it up with a joke or sarcastic comment - to let that person cry when they need - to not be afraid of tears, but to share in them with that person if need be. to not "talk them out of grief" but to journey alongside them and let my grief be exposed. and above all to acknowledge grief. so important. i remember when my grandmother died i was in such community - i was in college - surrounded by friends...Christian friends...i remember the only person who sent a card was my friend Charlie...it meant so much to me...i think everyone else didnt know how to be there in my grief and shied away from it, but for someone to acknowledge it in that way meant so much. just a simple card...just a simple note to let someone know that you realize they are grieving and that you are thinking about them...Sue encouraged us to make a note to send it a couple months after the passing - when the cards have stopped. i will...because we are all too respectful of each other's grieiving process to the point that we can be too removed.
in case you may be dealing with grief in whichever way - loss of a marraige, or baby, or friend, or family member - please check out her website and the groups they offer - she has developed a book for children too to help explain loss and work through it as well and i would encourage anyone who may be in need to seek help...because Lord knows we need all the help we can get!
Saturday, September 19, 2009
devon
today a marks a year since she passed. she is still in my thoughts and i still have a good cry at least once a month thinking of her. whenever i see a good sale i flinch to call her...whenever i miss her i go to her blog and read some of her first posts and crack up.when i think over this year and think about how her life and death have influenced me i realize that it is immeasurable. i feel like i have learned a lot about friendship and the value in it and the value in the celebration of friends, like Devon liked to celebrate - any time she could - any reason she could - it was all a party...one that she couldn't wait to plan! when bryson was first born she was so supportive - she organized all our friends to get gift certificates to restaurants and take-out places and included menus and everything! it was such a help during those first months...she also babysat and helped out any way she could... i missed that with Bodie being born. i also felt a little guilty that here i was with 2 little ones experiencing something she was robbed of.
i have many funny memories of Devon and they pop up in my mind here and there and cause simultaneous waves of joy and sorrow. i miss her because she is no longer here, but without sounding too cheese...she helped change a part of me that needed changing. she helped spawn a lot of change in my life - she influenced me a lot more than she will ever know and i will always remember her for that and always thank her and always remember this day.i included this last pic because it was such a funny night out - everyone was complaining because we couldn't get into the Sky Room - i just tried to get everyone a drink so they would stop complaining...that night my old band director from high school was playing at this place...anyway - sounds silly but ruthie and devon and i would crack up for many days to come about this night....look at my purse on the table...i still use that purse - and this is from 2006...oh dear...Devon was always trying to get the girls together for a girls night - again any reason to celebrate and any reason to plan something!
i miss my friend. i miss her laugh and her friendship and her planning and her knack for sales and menus and knowing where to go in long beach for anything! i miss her humor and her love for people and her generosity - of herself - her time, her anything you might need without ever asking anything in return. i will continue to honor her and remember her and cry for her and hope that we do meet again someday for a big girls night out!
Sunday, September 21, 2008
funeral announcement
The funeral service for Devon Markert will take place at:
Green Hills Memorial Park
27501 South Western Avenue
Rancho Palos Verdes, Ca 90275
http://www.greenhillsmemorial.com/
Monday, September 29 2008 @ 3:00pm
Please join us in celebrating Devon's life!
You can also post letters and memories and condolences at http://www.devonmarkert.blogspot.com/
Green Hills Memorial Park
27501 South Western Avenue
Rancho Palos Verdes, Ca 90275
http://www.greenhillsmemorial.com/
Monday, September 29 2008 @ 3:00pm
Please join us in celebrating Devon's life!
You can also post letters and memories and condolences at http://www.devonmarkert.blogspot.com/
Saturday, September 20, 2008
in very loving memory...
yesterday the world became a little smaller because we lost someone who helped to make it a little better. Devon Markert passed away last night at Kaiser Hospital in Los Angeles. As many of you know she has been battling brain cancer since March of 2007. She went to the hospital after a fall and a series of headaches last week and an MRI showed the tumors on her cerebellum taking up all of the brain cavity space, as well as blood on the brain. They performed an emergency surgery to relieve the pressure by cutting back the tumor and draining the blood, but knew that it wouldn't help save her life for much longer, but long enough for family and friends to say their goodbyes. They also found several other tumors starting to grow around her brain stem, which was an entirely separate place than her previous tumors on her cerebellum. We got to say goodbye to Devon yesterday, she was in a comotose state, but we think maybe she heard us and maybe it helped her to let go and be at peace and out of the pain and suffering she has undergone in the last year and a half. She is desparately missed and the pain and anger from losing someone so young and full of life and love is beyond comprehension. I will post more information about the funeral when we know more. Please lift up prayers for her family and husband.
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