the thing about hormones...

i have read a couple different posts over the past two days about weaning and depression and found it fascinating because i think i went through very similar things myself (the posts are here and here if you are interested). in fact i think that i can pinpoint a lot of the times i have struggled with depression and anxiety (all of which have happened POST kids...i never struggled with it before) with times of hormonal changes. and the thing is...i am 33 years old...i feel like i should know better by now. i feel like its the first thing i should ask myself when i am having those feelings of being over-whelmed and sad.

i keep thinking about what Joanna Goddard had said about reading other blogs and feeling like everyone had these perfect lives and balanced everything so well. it got me thinking about my own authenticity and hopeful that i never portray that to anyone...in fact i hope its the opposite...i feel like the best things i write are things that come from struggle...not linking to pretty things around the interwebs - although that has a place...and its fun...and i like to write about fun things too...

i think i have been experiencing something similar...i believe it must be hormonal, but its not a depression...its more like anxiety in general. not specific attacks, but its been super hard lately for me to enjoy my kids and i feel like i have been the most depressing mean crochety old mom lately. part of it is that bobby is at one of the most challenging ages (for me...i feel like every mom has an age that they find hard - for some its babies for me its one and a half) and bodie is well into his threes...which with both of my older boys 3 has been more challenging than 2...i feel like they are at this age of "almost understanding" and right on the cusp of "reasoning"...but not quite there...

but anyway - challenging ages aside - nothing has seemed to help - a night off...or sleep...or whatever else i tried...but lately i started working out again and that is the only thing that has begun to help. its such a mood regulator...i had forgotten...running gives me those good endorphin inducing feelings and its so much more productive than napping. napping will just make me crankier sometimes because inevitably a child wakes me up. and even though i am 33 years old i still can't help but be cranky at you if you wake me up. even if you are my child. true story...i broke up with a guy for waking me up...

so working out is helping and also...planning a trip next year for Greece! my husband and i have talked about going to Greece since we met...i dont know why it has become this big deal...but it is, in fact, a BIG DEAL.we have saved for it so many times and then used the money for something else...and keep putting the trip off because of whatever life circumstances...but that isn't going to happen this time! so we started a little savings account that we are squirreling away for Greece and we are making it happen next year. still not sure what we are going to do with the kids, but a good friend told me to just plan it and things will fall in line...and so...here we go...and it has helped me...

please allow me a moment to frame this. i have been having these claustrophobic moments as a mom...every morning its the same...6:00 am...i feel like its some sick joke being played on me...i never get to sleep in EVER anymore...even if i do get the night away (like 1x a year) i wake up at 6 because my body is so trained...and anyway - i have just been having these over-whelming feelings that its never going to change and every day is the same and its hard and its never going to get easier and i am always going to be responsible for these lives (and can i please note that it is extremely exhausting just trying to keep these 3 boys from killing/maiming themselves) and i just sometimes get sucked into that way of thinking and my whole being kinda shuts down from it all. but planning this trip has just completely changed my outlook...i have this amazing thing to plan/save/look forward to. i get to finally go somewhere with my husband for more than 1 night...i get to have an adventure...i can plan lots of adventures...this is just a phase of my life - its not THE END. and then i look up on my wall and see my print that reads "This too shall pass" and i smile. yes. perspective. hello.

i just get so sick of people telling me how precious this time is in my kids life and it goes by so fast...sometimes i wanna scream "GOOD! they are driving me insane...LITERALLY!...insane"...but i dont because i know...its true...but its not all giggles and cuddles and cuteness...i appreciate it when other (older, wiser) moms tell me how they remember this time and its so so challenging and then it gets easier...and then harder again when they are teens...i like that...i like easier...even if its only for a year...

i feel like i am snapping out of it though...finally...it has been a couple months now...but i wanted to share about what helped me to come out of it all...because we aren't alone...even if we think we are.